I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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