I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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