Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
