Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
