Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
