Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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