i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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