God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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