I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
