dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Someone came in the potted fern
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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