We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
