So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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