Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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