Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
