Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
