How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
