The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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