She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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