i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
