At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sober January is a disaster.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
