I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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