Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just cropdusted the office
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
