FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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