i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
