This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
