You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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