Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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