I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
