I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
