Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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