My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
