Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize