Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize