My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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