I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
