Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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