god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize