you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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