This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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