Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My ass is underappreciated
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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