if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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