Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did I show you my penis last night?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
