You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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