I think I died a long time ago.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
