last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize