so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
