im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
