I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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