Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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