My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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