"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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