just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
