gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Bring me that man meat
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
