Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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