My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
