If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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