I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize