The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
