I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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