i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
