Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
