I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize