DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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