I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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