I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
