i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
