Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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