mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
