She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
